Why I Created This Blog to Begin With

This is my very first blog post. See that picture? That’s a picture of me and my dad, circa 2002 I think. He is the reason I’ve started this blog. I’ll never, ever forget the phone call I got on July 30, 2016…that’s the day my dad died.

I need an outlet. I need somewhere to breathe. I need somewhere to vent. This can be that for me.

It’s been 11 days. The first two days were the absolute hardest. I didn’t even want to get out of bed but I did. I’m putting on a smile now. I’m even laughing. But, I’m still so unbelievably sad. I cry at any given moment; I’ll think of something and then I can’t fight back the tears. I still wish this wasn’t real.

I wish we had some answers. I wish we knew why he died. My dad had just turned 50 on July 12. Only 50….I know he’s been sick for a while. I know that. I just spoke with him less than a week before his death. I want some answers. I need some answers. The Maricopa County Medical Examiner’s office told me that the autopsy could take another 3 weeks to 6 months. 6 long months! I don’t want to have to wait that long….it’s not fair.

My dad is also being cremated. When? I don’t know. I am not authorized to know that privileged information. I guess my brother and I aren’t next of kin enough….maybe I’m just bitter? Regardless, I have every right to be upset. I am my dad’s only daughter. My brother is my dad’s only son. We should have rights here. There’s no obituary. There’s nothing in any newspaper. It’s like they didn’t want to acknowledge him. It’s not fair and it’s not right. I wish we had the money to write his obituary at least.

My brother is getting my dad’s ashes in October, even though I’m a 10 minute drive away from my dad’s wife’s house she won’t give them to me. Maybe I shouldn’t feel upset about this? The fact that she is taking a special trip to California to give them to my brother, when she could drive ten minutes and give them to me is so hard? I am, however, grateful my brother is getting them. And, I’m extremely grateful for my loving brother, who is waiting for me to spread his ashes. Thank god for him, I think I might lose it even more.

With losing it… If I didn’t have my fiance or the support of my family, I’d go completely bonkers. My fiance and I are completely alone out here in this messed up state now. Without my dad, our nearest relative is over 800 miles away. It’s very disheartening. My fiance is trying to lift up my spirits and making me feel so warm and welcoming, and loving, it’s just so hard. I wish I could be happy. This is just so unbelieveably hard. My step family is no family I want to be a part of. I’m officially the red headed step child of the family….but, I’m my father’s only daughter, and NO ONE can EVER take that away from me.

I miss you so much daddy…

The good that has come out of this?: my fiance and I are doing great. She’s been exceptional to me and I love her so much. I’ve spoken to my mom and brother almost every day since, I reconnected with one of my aunts who I didn’t speak to in 3 years (I missed her so much!), texted my gramma (which she NEVER does and I haven’t spoken to her in way too long, longer than I should have,). My family is reconnecting, being accepting, and loving and there for each other and me and my brother. I wish I could just give my brother the biggest hug, and not let go. In this, I miss my baby brother the most….and I wish we were going through this near each other, to see each other in person in this hard time. We were his kids….we are forever his children.

I guess that’s it for now.